Tonight I’m wishing I was better.

I’ve been in a rut the past few weeks and I can’t exactly figure out why. But I do know this. I wish I was better. At everything.

I wish I could be a better mother. I wish I was a better employee. I wish I could be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, driver, cook, Catholic, shopper, organizer, blogger, planner, traveler.

I wish I was a better writer. Even just writing these sentences I’m wondering if I should be using “were” instead of “was.” (I wish I were a better writer, or I wish I was a better writer? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) I don’t even know. Isn’t that terrible?

I know I’m not bad at all that stuff. Some days I’m good at it and some days I’m less good. I’m not fishing for compliments here. I’m just thinking “out loud.”

Some days I’m satisfied with all the “me’s” I listed above and I feel like I’m enough. Other days I’m not as satisfied, that’s all. Tonight’s one of those nights where I just wish I could do everything better. I guess the “rut” part comes from knowing that wishing to be better doesn’t make it happen– there has to be some action involved. But action takes motivation. I think that at this moment, I’m not motivated to be better. Because I’m in a rut. See the vicious circle there?

I don’t know. Maybe it all comes down to “motivation.” I’m going to google “How does one get motivated” when I finish pounding out this post. Scratch that. I’ll google it now. Be right back . . .

. . . I’m back.  Here’s a link to a Wikihow page on How to Get Motivated. Be happy, energetic, efficient, get support, feel fulfilled. Meh. Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree with the “motivation” angle.

Do we all have ruts like this, when we don’t feel like we’re enough? When we aren’t living up to our potential and aren’t pushing ourselves even an inch further towards awesome? Sulky, blah days of feeling inadequate?

Now that I’m examining this, do you think it’s a coincidence that my “rut” is happening at the same time that (a) I haven’t been to yoga in weeks; (b) I stopped taking my vitamins; and/or (c) I fell off the wagon and started up my Diet Coke addiction again?  (it may sound dumb but I really think being on the Coke alters my moods). Also, with the puppy and a recent neck injury I haven’t been sleeping as well as I was a month ago. I haven’t read any good books to inspire me. The only movie I’ve been to this summer is Monsters U. and I spent most of the movie wrangling M. into behaving.

Hmm, methinks I’m onto something here! Starting tomorrow I’m going to fix the stuff listed in the above paragraph and see if that helps. I almost sound motivated there, right?

Thanks, Blogtropolis! Another reason blogging is so great- it provides a forum to write it out, and sometimes writing it out = figuring it out.

Have a nice night.

36 thoughts on “Being Better

  1. I have those wishes, too although I expect to have no success at mother/wife/daughter/sister. As the wise one in my household (hint: it’s not me) might say: sleep matters a lot. Also you can get better unintentionally by accident, but it’s unlikely, so your knowing/trying is surely a good choice.


  2. We all have those off moments, but perhaps you are spot on with the reasons your feeling like this, tackle each one of them, on step at a time.

    I share your diet coke sentiments, lol. I have been addicted for years, and I really think they put something in there that makes you want more and more. However, I am down to one a week now. Try substituting with mineral or flavoured water…it’s not the same but helps to some extent.


  3. If you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. You want to be better ( even though I think your wonderful already) so you will be better. Take a deep breath and do the things that make you feel good. This too shall pass.


  4. I think everyone visits Rutsville from time to time, sometimes you are heading for it, other times your get diverted there off your chosen path. Once you are there leaving is the problem. Yeah the onward journey might have a pretty awesome destination but the ride could be tricky. Lets face it Rutsville is easy and reliable and we all head here from time to time, just so long as you know you are there, i think that is key, you are free to leave when you are ready and up to the challenge of being super awesome, again!


    1. Rutsville. I love it. I want to leave. I really do! I can’t find the exit ramp to the highway to Awesometown 🙂
      You’re the best. Thanks 🙂


  5. Once you say you’re as good as you’re going to get then I think that’s when problems start to arise. The desire to be better at something or everything is a good desire to have. But don’t let it get you down. No one is as good as they want to be. Once you’re perfect, what then? Turn into a spectral beam of light and just dissipate into the universe? Getting better is the best part. Improving is moving forward.

    Motivation. I exercise. That motivates me. I feel invigorated after a workout. Even a walk around the neighborhood is a hell of a motivator. You want to “do things” after a workout. You want to create, build, and improve.

    I think you’re doing just fine.


    1. Thanks, j.hubs. You are right about activity. I need to get back to yoga and breathe. And get outside and breathe.

      We can always be better. That’s the point of living I guess. Sometimes it’s just exhausting and I want to have a magical fairy make it all perfect.


  6. You can do it! I think that I get more despondent when I’m less active, so when I feel like i’m in a rut I make a point to make sure I’m up and doing. It sucks and I have to force myself, but yeah… So, I know you can do it and I’m sending good energy your way!


  7. “I love you just the way you are” (who sang that? But it’s true.) You do need to get back into Yoga or something to give yourself some off-duty mommy time. (I had a check-up with my doctor this morning and I told her how happy i was to be there, that the visit was my fun for the day and she told me to pretty much get more “me time” away from my kids!) You are doing great. Don’t listen to those negative thought lies!


    1. Thanks, Megan! Is it mean that I laughed when I read that you told doc that your appointment was your fun for the day? I def need to get back to yoga.


  8. Ciao Jess!! Well i see you got some motivating going on already!! Like racheve said we all have our trips down rutville everynow and then… I guess most of all no matter how much and well we try to be good at loads of stuff, we are so under pressure from the outside world that we don’t even realize how good we actually are for real and only see and feel the negative sides!!! We can only try! A daily exercise!! Sometimes fun! Not so fun other times… Let’s keep up the good work!! 🙂


  9. Welcome to “life-a-la-everyday!” Jess, all quality people wish to be better at everything at times. Good days make us believe we can do more, bad days make us believe we must do more.

    Just don’t fall into the “perfection trap.” No one can be at the top of their “game” all the time. Perfection belongs to God…all others just do our best. Thanks for visiting us today…



  10. Dear Jess…you are not alone. I think all of us struggle with these things sometimes, and something us canines know all too well is that misery loves company! But fortunately so does joy, so that’s where I come in. Your work is fabulous, and don’t you forget it. And if you ever need a smile, come visit me. I’ll make it happen. 🙂


  11. What you listed in the 4th paragraph from the bottom, the “list” paragraph, has a lot to do with it. How we feel physically will definitely quash any and all hope we may have in doing things that have a semblance of productivity. You’ve listed them all perfectly. I think once you get back in the swing of things you’ll see a big difference. Neck problems are not fun as I’ve been there myself.

    As for the motivation, what helps me is the rigorous blogging schedule I keep and the upcoming book release. Seriously, I don’t have time to do anything else other than write and that is the only thing that keeps me sane and keeps me out of trouble!


  12. I think everyone has had paragraphs in their life like the one you listed (diet coke, missing yoga, etc)… fix that paragraph, and your rut should hopefully disappear 🙂


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