Well Hi There! (Alternatively titled: I’m not doing Christmas cards)

Blogtropolis! What’s up?

I feel a little like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed on that first day she goes back to high school. Poking around WordPress, my old stomping grounds, trying to fit in again with the cool kids (you). I’ve been gone for so long. Sorry.

I’ve been writing, just not here. Somewhere along the line, blogging started to feel like tweeting has always felt to me– forced and stress-inducing. You’ll be happy to know that I’ve saved you from months of posts about nothing. I figured, if I have nothing to say then why waste everyone’s time. You’re welcome. 🙂

But now I have “something,” or at least “something-ish” to draft here.

Christmas Stuff.

Ahh, Christmas. I may start a grassroots campaign to change the entire system. The first thing to go will be that damn ELF. More on that later. I would also put a price and age limit on all gift-giving. Gifts may only be bought for unemancipated children and must be under $25.00. All gifts will be bought online. You old people afraid of Big Brother and Amazon will have to get with the program, because I’m tired of constant traffic. Here are some other rules for my proposed Christmas:

• If schools are closed, parents should be off of work (unless you are an emergency worker or vital to the health and well-being of All). This is a simple concept. WHO’S GONNA WATCH THE KIDS becomes a topic of conversation that adds more stress to the month of December. Also, employers should realize that nobody really works that week in between Christmas and New Year anyway. We all sit around, talk about the presents, gossip about the family, compare weight gain while shoving stale Christmas cookies in our faces, debate new gym membership plans, and make up fake New Year’s resolutions. Why make us come into work for that?
• Christmas music parameters: No Christmas music before December 15th. I mean, how many times do we have to hear George Michael’s Last Christmas song before we’re satiated? How many times, people?
• Trees shall be removed and/or put away by New Year’s Day. There shall be a place of rest for (once) live trees, because it depresses me to see tree carcasses lining the alleyway behind my house, waiting for the town’s mulch day. Little strands of wrinkled tinsel clinging to bare branches. A lone forgotten ornament trying to shine through from the inner sanctum of the once glorified evergreen.  Sniff. Deal with your trees, please. With respect.
• Christmas card peer pressure: If you want to skip a year, you may do so guilt-free. Things get busy. The kids probably look the same as last year. If you want to send it, send it. But if not, no biggie. There’s always next year.

While we’re on Christmas cards, I’d like to let those of you who usually receive a card from me by now know that I haven’t yet created one. My husband asked me tonight if “we” were going to do a card, and I answered “probably not” (a.k.a., No).

But, I have an ambitious idea. Instead of printing out 50 cards from Walgreens, 40 of which will probably be trashed (it’s okay- I’m not judging), I thought I’d take my time and actually WRITE out PERSONAL cards to everyone. That’s nice, right? Obviously, this isn’t going to happen this week, but maybe in the New Year I can start handwriting belated holiday notes. I may even toss a pic of the kids in. Heck, if I wait until next week, I can buy cards at half-price! Win-win-win.

I’d also like to update you on Eugene Peppermint, our Elf. Who I hate.

I’ve been completely slacking on moving Eugene. I blame my mom. Last year she texted me every night with a standard one word message:  “ELF.” This year, she was a bit slow to the game. So it’s her fault. Obviously.

What do I tell the kids though? That Grandma is neglectful of their Christmas Joy? Nah. I couldn’t do that. So the first few times I forgot to move him, I used the “Dad locked the door” excuse. That got old pretty quickly.

After a few more missed trips to the North Pole, poor JC got sad. “Why isn’t Eugene moving?” he asked. He wrote Eugene a note inquiring on his status.

Eugene wrote back (in Elf Handwriting Font, which basically is pointy letters instead of curvy letters) that Santa is making all elves work overtime and he’s been really tired. He’s vitamin deficient. Overworked, underpaid (are elves unionized?). He’ll try to be better. JC was good with that explanation.

Then, a kid at school told JC that elves don’t move- the parents move them. Yay! I’m off the hook, right? Not really.

Husband and I came up with some story about how the parents move the elf, but they can only do it with Christmas Magic. I thought he bought it. He claimed to be depressed, so woo-hoo, yes?

Nah. Next day he came downstairs and asked where Eugene was. He was in the same spot as the day before. JC was disappointed. I wanted to shout, “I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH EUGENE?” but refrained. Even though Eugene is Difficult, at least JC believes in something magical.

I should add that as a rule to my Christmas Improvements Project: everyone must believe in something magical. Can’t hurt, right?

On that note, I hope you are all enjoying your holiday season. Thanks for reading and have a nice night.

Signed, The Grinch of WordPress.