Tonight I’m wishing I was better.
I’ve been in a rut the past few weeks and I can’t exactly figure out why. But I do know this. I wish I was better. At everything.
I wish I could be a better mother. I wish I was a better employee. I wish I could be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, driver, cook, Catholic, shopper, organizer, blogger, planner, traveler.
I wish I was a better writer. Even just writing these sentences I’m wondering if I should be using “were” instead of “was.” (I wish I were a better writer, or I wish I was a better writer? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) I don’t even know. Isn’t that terrible?
I know I’m not bad at all that stuff. Some days I’m good at it and some days I’m less good. I’m not fishing for compliments here. I’m just thinking “out loud.”
Some days I’m satisfied with all the “me’s” I listed above and I feel like I’m enough. Other days I’m not as satisfied, that’s all. Tonight’s one of those nights where I just wish I could do everything better. I guess the “rut” part comes from knowing that wishing to be better doesn’t make it happen– there has to be some action involved. But action takes motivation. I think that at this moment, I’m not motivated to be better. Because I’m in a rut. See the vicious circle there?
I don’t know. Maybe it all comes down to “motivation.” I’m going to google “How does one get motivated” when I finish pounding out this post. Scratch that. I’ll google it now. Be right back . . .
. . . I’m back. Here’s a link to a Wikihow page on How to Get Motivated. Be happy, energetic, efficient, get support, feel fulfilled. Meh. Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree with the “motivation” angle.
Do we all have ruts like this, when we don’t feel like we’re enough? When we aren’t living up to our potential and aren’t pushing ourselves even an inch further towards awesome? Sulky, blah days of feeling inadequate?
Now that I’m examining this, do you think it’s a coincidence that my “rut” is happening at the same time that (a) I haven’t been to yoga in weeks; (b) I stopped taking my vitamins; and/or (c) I fell off the wagon and started up my Diet Coke addiction again? (it may sound dumb but I really think being on the Coke alters my moods). Also, with the puppy and a recent neck injury I haven’t been sleeping as well as I was a month ago. I haven’t read any good books to inspire me. The only movie I’ve been to this summer is Monsters U. and I spent most of the movie wrangling M. into behaving.
Hmm, methinks I’m onto something here! Starting tomorrow I’m going to fix the stuff listed in the above paragraph and see if that helps. I almost sound motivated there, right?
Thanks, Blogtropolis! Another reason blogging is so great- it provides a forum to write it out, and sometimes writing it out = figuring it out.
Have a nice night.
Waiting on a Word 
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