Love . . . Exciting and New

Hi Everyone!

A week or so ago I was over visiting jhubner73 where his post reviewing Daft Punk’s new album mentioned The Love Boat theme song. A comment thread about seventies television shows resulted (crazy comment threads like that happen all the time over there at J.Hub’s blog), and again The Love Boat was cited as “crappy 70’s television.”

I respectfully disagreed, voicing my strong objection in the comments. I said it there, and I’ll say it again here:  The Love Boat was genius. Pure Genius. Aaron Spelling at his finest.

For all you young’uns out there who aren’t familiar, The Love Boat was an incredibly awesome show that aired from 1977 to 1986. Although The Love Boat theme song was dissed on jhubner, ut-hum, I think it’s one of the catchiest theme songs ever written in the history of television. Yep, I said it. Consider this:  How many of you out there in Blogtropolis can sing at least a portion of The Love Boat theme song? I bet many of you are thinking about it right now. . .

Love, exciting and new
Come Aboard. We’re expecting you.
Love, life’s sweetest reward.
Let it flow, it floats back to you.

Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new romance.

Love won’t hurt anymore
It’s an open smile on a friendly shore.
Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It’s LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! (hey-ah!)

Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new romance.

Love won’t hurt anymore
It’s an open smile on a friendly shore.
It’s LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It’s LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It’s
LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
It’s the Love Boat-ah! It’s the Love Boat-ah!

(Source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/theloveboatlyrics.html)

Obviously taking place on a cruise ship, the “crew” stayed the same every week, but the genius of the show (besides the catchy opening theme song) was that each episode featured new guest stars.

As for the crew, we had Captain Stubing (Gavin MacLeod) (dashing and formal), our peppy cruise director Julie (Lauren Tewes) (who I wanted to be and sometimes still do), bartender Isaac (Ted Lange) and “Yeoman Purser” Gopher (Fred Grandy) (who were always getting into snafus), the ship’s doctor “Doc” Bricker (Bernie Kopell) (I never understood how he got all the ladies), and Vicky (Jill Whelan) (the Captain’s annoying daughter). As years went on the crew changed slightly (remember “Ace” the ship’s photographer?), but for hard core fans like myself, these crew members were the heart of the show.

Onto the genius. Nothing beat watching those opening credits when the guest stars of the week were revealed:  Mary Ingalls (Melissa Sue Anderson), Loni Anderson, Scott Baio, Linda Blair, David Cassidy, ahh the list goes on and on. Then there were those special guest stars who kept coming back for more adventure, my favorite being Charo (remember, “cuchi cuchi”?).

Each episode featured our regular crew doing their thing, in addition to three stories involving the guest stars of the week.  We always started at the boarding, then moved on to shenanigans by the pool, the Captain’s special dinner table, and onto “porto-vyarta” (actually Puerto Vallarta) and “okko-poco” (Acapulco) as I called them back in the day (I was a kid, remember?).  The guest stars were always joining each other for “nightcaps,” which my parents told me meant that they were having drinks in the room, and kisses mostly happened on the Lido Deck.  Everyone disembarked happy and changed and in love or at least sexually satisfied (it was the 70’s).

The Love Boat had it all. Romance, drama, comedy, scenery, celebrity, and sunshine, all wrapped up in a neat little one-hour episode.

I got to wondering why this show was canceled. Was it because it was too seventies and we all became serious yuppies in the mid to late eighties and lost our sense of humor and adventure? Was it because our crew got old, Aaron Spelling moved into the 90210 area code, or they just got tired of recycling love-centered storylines?

It seems to me that this show needs to be remade. Come on, Hollywood!  Get on the ball.

I’ve taken the liberty of mapping out the pilot for The Love Boat 2.0:

Our Crew:

Captain George Clooney.  He’s charming and handsome and debonair, and what else does he really have to do?

Our cruise director, Beyonce. This would be a great career move for B. She’ll have plenty of time to hang with the family and tour and do all the other stuff you do when you’re Beyonce, and she could make her uniform incredibly sassy and awesome.

Doc John Stamos.  Now there’s a doctor I can get on board with!

Gopher:  James Franco.  He’s nutty enough to play the part of the goofy Purser with his sidekick . . .

Isaac:  who actually I think should be a female named “Isa” and let’s recruit Sarah Silverman for that role.

Vicky:  How about an Olsen twin?  They could pass for Clooney’s daughters, no?  They can even alternate episodes like they did on Full House, and Uncle Jesse’s right there if they need him.

Now that we have the crew cast, here’s what I would do with the first episode.  Now tell me that you aren’t excited to see who my guest stars are?  I know you are, which just proves my point about the show’s genius.  Here we go:

Storyline 1:  Britney Spears stars as a washed up pop star with an attitude on the ship to perform her latest single.  She boards the ship in a diva-like fashion (snubbing Beyonce the Cruise Director) and falls instantly in love with Doc.  As Brit and Doc lounge poolside and have nightcaps, Gopher accidentally unlocks Britney’s toy poodle’s crate!  Gopher and Isa spend the hour trying to find the poodle before Brit realizes it’s gone.  Of course, Gopher and Isa have to involve Doc in this, jeopardizing his budding relationship with Brit, but at the end it all turns out for the best.  The dog is found and Brit (a changed person thanks to Doc), leaves to revitalize her career and her life, thanking Doc for a lovely time and hoping they meet again sometime.  She even gives a wave to Beyonce as she disembarks, poodle in hand.  Gopher and Isa wipe their brows as she leaves–disaster averted!

Storyline 2:  Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt star as exes who happen to be taking the same cruise vacation! Imagine the coincidence! Jen’s also Captain George’s niece and has a special seat at his dinner table.  Jen and Brad spend the first half of the cruise bickering and trying to make each other jealous, with Captain George valiantly protecting Jen from her evil ex, but then as Brit sings her single (see above) the cruise ship shifts (probably because the Captain isn’t driving the boat) and Jen and Brad actually stumble into each other’s arms! Sparks fly and they look into each other’s eyes, dance to Brit’s single, and decide they are still in love. They kiss on the Lido Deck (where Brit’s toy poodle runs by, Gopher and Isa following), have their nightcaps, and declare their love for each other. As they leave the ship, they show off Jen’s engagement ring and thank the crew for bringing them together again. The Olsen twin agrees to be a bridesmaid for their second wedding.

Storyline 3:  Adam Levine stars as a lonely man– maybe a yoga instructor– unlucky in love. He won his ticket for the cruise in a sweepstakes and climbs aboard all mopey and cranky. He talks to Beyonce and tells her his troubles– he can’t find a woman who takes him seriously. Leggy, twenty-something blondes just aren’t doing it for him anymore. Beyonce suggests shuffleboard, but Adam just wants to hang in his room and mope. As he’s walking to his room on the Fiesta Deck, he literally runs into a 42-year old mom from New Jersey (oh wait . . . sorry . . .), I mean, Kerry Washington. Sure, she’s gorgeous, but she’s also smart. SMART! A girl!  A pretty girl who is smart too! Imagine that! Kerry thinks Adam’s a tad obtuse, but meets him for drinks at the Starlite Bar (where Isa is serving but nervously searching for Brit’s dog and Brad and Jen are throwing drinks at each other) and they fall in love within minutes. They too decide to make out on the Promenade Deck and have nightcaps, and when they disembark they’re engaged and Adam is a changed man.

There you have it. I’d be happy to write the script– anything to make this happen!

Thanks for reading and have a good night.