There’s been a lot of talk about so-called “mommy porn” since 50 Shades of Grey (E.L. James). I’m here to tell you, Blogtropolis Moms, that if you are in the minority and haven’t yet read the books, be advised that you don’t need to succumb to the hype. There are lots of fun guys you can obsess over right in your living room, everyday, on your kids’ television shows! (NOTE: A post is brewing in my head about the 50 Shades craze, but I’ll save that for another time.) (NOTE TWO: I figured out how to post pics from the internet. Woo hoo! Blogging is fun.)
I know what you are thinking, especially if you are reading this in the morning and haven’t yet had your coffee. Huh?
Who needs Christian Grey when you can spend your time with the men of daytime television? Come on, Ladies. Haven’t we all played FMK with The Wiggles? Or internally debated while watching Blue’s Clues whether Steve or Joe is the better catch? Anyone else have a crush on Steve Songs?
I present for your G-rated reading pleasure, my list of Top Five Desirable “Men” of Children’s Television:
5) Sir Topham Hatt (Thomas the Tank Engine)
This “Fat Controller” (their words not mine) of the Sodor railway is a man of great power and prestige. When he’s not hosting royalty, he’s fixing a problem, or directing trains, or positively reinforcing his brave and useful engines. Topham enjoys music- he’s a big fan of opera singer Alicia Botti and the Sodor Brass Band. He’s got a bit of a belly, but his trademark black top hat helps divert the eyes upward. And, friends, he’s a “Sir.” That means his wife is a “Lady.” Wouldn’t we all want to be addressed as “Ladies”? Lady Jane Hatt is one lucky girl, if you ask me!
4) “Daddy” (Caillou)
Daddy makes the list despite the oversized green sweater he wears every day because he’s very helpful to the household, deals with the kids without losing his patience (although once he almost lost it while driving the car when Rosie and Caillou were fighting in the backseat– I am sure we could all sympathize), and mostly because he looks like Paul Rudd. Do you see the resemblance, People? I think it’s the hair. Anyone who resembles Paul Rudd makes the list. Period.
3) David Read (Arthur)
Arthur’s dad is a handsome dude . . . or mouse . . . or whatever species the characters on Arthur are, and owns a catering company that he runs out of the garage. He’s a chef, Ladies! Look at that cake! What more can you want?
2) The Man With the Yellow Hat (Curious George)
He almost made first place, but recently while watching an episode, my husband called TMWTYH a “dummy” for leaving the car window open on his convertible while going through the car wash, and I had to agree, so TMWTYH lost some points with me.
But despite his car wash gaffe, let’s face it. He’s a great catch. Tall, dark, rich, and handsome, TMWTYH owns an apartment in the city overlooking the park, as well as a country house near farms and lakes where he retreats often via the aforementioned convertible. He goes on vacations. He bowls. He throws parties. He has a monkey to help him pick up his dry cleaning and buy him donuts. Besides the all-yellow wardrobe, which admittedly could use a woman’s touch, I can’t find a flaw.
And, Number One on the list of Desirables (drum roll please . . .)
1) D.J. Lance Rock (Yo Gabba Gabba)
Christian Grey has nothing on Lance! D.J. Lance Rock is super cool and fun and retro, and knows his manners as well as the food groups and safety rules. Would Christian Grey wear a tight orange jumpsuit and orange faux fur hat? I think not! Would he dance around like a wonderful maniac and carry around a big box with his toys in it? No way! I can think of nothing more exciting than going on a grown-up playdate with D.J. Lance. Would he wear the orange? Would he wear his black-rimmed glasses? Would we “break it down” at the end of the date? I’d insist on going dancing of course, but wouldn’t it also be fun to bring his big box to the park and play with the Yo Gabbas? Especially if Jack Black or Tobey Maguire made an appearance?
Blogtropolis Moms, who needs X-rated “playrooms” when you can enjoy a nice G-rated fantasy with these five “men” in your kid’s playroom? I’ll gladly add to the list, if there are any suggestions out there. In the meantime, have fun playing Wiggles FMK! (Hey, whatever gets us through the day, right?)
Waiting on a Word 
🙂
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I notice none of the imagination movers made your list…musical talent…problem solving…don’t that not rate? Haha
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I meant, does that not rate??
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Haha! I just hate them so much that I couldn’t even type their names! Should I give them another try? Ugh.
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I like one of the Immagination Movers!! Btw, how impresses am i with you and the internet pics. can you teach me????????
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Haha!! I can’t stand the IMs. I actually get angry. I will teach you, although I think I was supposed to credit the pics. Thanks for reading.
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Love it….too funny!
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Thanks! Glad you enjoyed.
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Oh my god… my childhood is burning before my eyes. I’ll never see the fat controller the same way. Thanks for this post Jess, keep up the good work.
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Thanks for the comment! You have the honor of being my first comment from a “stranger” which is super cool for me! I just clicked around your site for a bit and really enjoyed it. I look forward to more posts from you!
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Really?? Well that’s cool. And thanks!
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You know I keep coming back to this post? I have read it about 4 times over the weekend. It makes me chuckle. First because my husband and I joke that 50 shades of grey should be called 50 shades of buy a real f**king book. Sorry for the profanity, but the F word is what helps get the point across. Also, we watch Calliou more than anything else in our house. I love this post, it’s REAL!
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Thanks so much for that awesome comment! I really appreciate the feedback. I am trying to hold off on my 50 shades post until more movie news comes out, but I am getting antsy. I thought I’d title it : “50 shades of what the heck am I reading????” Thanks again !
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I can’t wait for your 50 Shades post! I may be the only person in this country who hasn’t read that book, but based on what I have heard, I’m assuming that I’m not missing much.
This blog was excellent! It reminded me of something I read years ago (I am thinking it was in “Parenting” magazine, but I’m not certain). Basically, the article said, “If you’re starting to find Anthony from “The Wiggles” hot, then you’re a mom who needs to get out more.”
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Ha! Hilarious. For the record, he’s my “F” in the game. Thanks for reading!
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I never quite thought of it like this, but DANGED if TMWTYH isn’t my cup of tea. Or Coffee. (Monkey men tend to hail from the jungles, no? So they have to be Brazilian or … Dos Equis kinda men – RRrrr! – anyway, I’m convinced, now that I’ve had this one-sided philosophical mind-wander, Jungle men drink coffee, not tea.)
But I’ll take Paul Rudd if TMWTYH is .. you know, “batting for the other team”.
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I agree- jungle men don’t seem like they would be into tea. Nor do they seem they’d be into yellow either. Hmmmm… Lets call him your cup of coffee (unless he like the other jungle men haha).
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This was really funny.
Maybe a list for dads is in order. First on my list is Laurie Berkner. She was always a ray of light in-between episodes of Franklin and Little Bear.
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Laurie Berkner! Love her and the boots song. They have some decent musical interludes on the kids channel I must admit!
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My favourite G-rated TV dad has always been, and always will be, Cliff Huxtable from The Cosby Show. I know he’s not a cartoon dad, but I don’t anyone has come close to beating him. I also always found the dad from The Wonder Years to be more than a little scary. (And I’m showing my age now!)
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We must be the same age. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. You can’t beat Cliff Huxtable and all those sweaters! Maybe “Sitcom Dads of the 80’s” deserve their own post!
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Yeah, this is awesome. So funny!
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